My Life As A Wife and Ummi

Even during my teenage years, I have loved babies. So it was no wonder that once I got married I wanted to get pregnant right away. But that did not happen until after 4 months. To some people that may not be too bad but to someone who was obsessed about it, like yours truly, it was an eternity.

My first pregnancy was uneventful. Everything went as plan altho I delivered 2 weeks earlier than my edd. I gave birth to a healthy 3.38kg baby boy, who is now 8, and was named Muhammad Nabil.

When Nabil was 4 months old, I got pregnant again. It came as quite a shock but we were thrilled anyway. At 11 weeks I went to the doctors for a check-up, and the news that the doctor gave me had me paralyzed. My baby did not have a heartbeat! I never thought anything like this would ever happen to me. Why me? I was crying like crazy. And what made it worse was that I was alone. My husband was at work and I didn't think to have someone accompany me since everything went so well the last time.

When reality sank it, well it didn't actually....I did not want to accept the fact that the baby I was carrying was no longer alive. So I went for a second opinion at HKL. I was elated when the doctor, nope I think he was just a sonograper, said that my baby was ok. He can't actually see the heartbeat but he said he saw a flicker. I was to come for another check up in a weeks time.

So a week went by and I went for another check. Heartbeat still not seen but he said the size of the feotel had grown. I was optimistic. But you know what, my instincts told me that my baby was actually gone. But I did not want to say it out loud as I was afraid to succumb to me feelings.

However, as fate had it, i started bleeding at 14 weeks. I went to the hospital and had an erpc (extraction of retained product of conception). The feeling was surreal. I never ever imagined that something like this would ever happen to me. The doctors said I did not do anything wrong. It was just nature's way of telling me the the baby was not perfect to begin with.

That pregnancy was not planned. We thought Nabil was still too young. But when I lost the baby, I felt so upset and miserable. Although it had only been a few weeks but I have already fell in love with her. I already felt like a mother of two. So that's when it hit me that I WAS ready for another baby. Lo and behold, I fell pregnant again after 2 months. I went to the doctors as early as 6 weeks and Alhamdulillah all went well and I gave birth to a healty, 2.96kg baby girl, Nur Nisa.

When I fell pregnant again after Nisa, I did not allow myself to become so happy and attach to the baby. I was so afraid that I might miscarry again. And right I was. I went and had three miscarriages in a row before I had Nur Irdina. The doctors had me go through a series of test by I was frustrated as they did not find anything wrong. I believed Allah felt that I was not ready. I believed that everything happens for a reason.

After Nur Irdina, I had another 2 miscarriages before getting Imran. With imran, my pregnancy news came two weeks after my newly wed sister Lana found out she was pregnant. So when I found out I was pregnant I seriously felt that I would miscarry this baby too. It was too good to be true that we would get pregnant together and that our parents will get two greandkids in a month. So during each check up, I was ready to hear the doctors tell me "I'm sorry Myra. I can't find the heartbeat". But that speech never came up.

I safely gave birth to my baby boy, Muhammad Imran on May 12, 2010, exactly 14 days earlier than his cousin, Syed Kasheif Alhabshi. They have now grown to become the very best of friends and the worst of enemies.

I recently had another miscarriage in May 2010. Then my husband decided that was it. No more babies. The doctor has told us the risks of a pregnancy to someone who has had 7 miscarriages and 6 erpcs. So my husband said that he did not want to risk losing me and having to raise 5 kids (if I had gotten pregnant again) on his own. So now I am on Implanon, a small straw-like device, inserted on my left upper arm. I have no clue how it works as a contraceptive seeing as how far it is from my reproductive organs....hehehe....but it must work!

I love my husband....and I love my kids.....However, before we were married, we both said that we wanted 5 kids. So now that I am one baby short of that dream, I can't help it....I do want another one no matter what the risk. But I know I am being selfish. I am only thinking about my dreams. What if something happened to me? What would happen to my husband, to my kids? But I also can't help but wonder, what if everything goes well? Then we would have the family we had always dreamt of....

The probability is 50-50. The doctor said that I have been blessed all this while. I already have 2 boys and 2 girls....what more do I want?

Salam Aidilfitri 2010

I know it's past due but it's still Syawal. So Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri and Maaf Zahir Batin.

My raya this year was no different than previous years. We slept at my in-laws place on the eve of Raya. The kids had fun with "bunga api" with their cousins.

But you can imagine my frustration when there was a blackout at 11pm till 2am that nite. I called TNB to complain and was told that my call was in a queue of 99 calls. But I still waited the 20 minutes and was told that there was a problem at Saujana Impian and the matter may be resolved in about an hour or two. My kids were restless......I was restless. Not a good start to raya 2010.

We spent pagi raya taking family pictures and bersalam-salaman with the family. Then we had breakfast before heading off to Klang (my MIL's hometown).

After Friday prayers, we headed off to JB (my dad's hometown). We spent the nite at the Grand Bluewave Hotel.....my kids had a blast coz they got to go swimming and then later we took them to the beach (not too clean so no swimming).